Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Looking in from the outside

I hesitated to write this post...but this is  my outlet for thoughts so here goes.
Today I was at Target.  Me, the baby and my pile of coupons. I usually look for the line with the least amount of people, and if someone comes up behind me i let them go first. 
I was checking out and this couple came up behind me. I could hear the man huffing and puffing about something and grunting as they got in line. Of course my check out lady couldn't read the numbers on my item that wouldn't scan and asked me to read them. I happily obliged. The huffing and puffing got louder. the man turned to his wife and was like "this is going to take forever!! grunt grunt" he squeezes past me and starts moving my cart (that has my baby in it) and I was like, "excuse me, I will move it". He gave me a dirty look at huffed away. we proceed checking out. now the guy is standing on the other side of my cart with his hands on his hips mumbling to himself and giving his wife the death look. I look over at her and she just looks so scared. He squeezes back and grabs her arm and is like "NEXT TIME YOU LOOK AT THE LINE AND YOU DON'T GET BEHIND SOMEONE LIKE THIS!!!!!! DON'T YOU THINK BEFORE YOU DO THINGS?!!"  and huffs away. I look at her and say "It's not your fault, if its anyone's fault its mine... I'm sorry I have a gabillion coupons" and she shyly says "oh no... he... he's just not feeling well"....the cashier look at her, looks at me and goes "uh no, its his fault. doesn't he know it takes time to checkout? everything takes time, he can wait". the lady shyly looks down. 
*sigh... deep breath
this sight was all too familiar for me. growing up I remember looking up at my mom... who would awkwardly smile and act like it was no big deal. I remember feeling scared and embarrassed whenever we went out.  I HATED that feeling... and I HATED going out, feeling people look at us..watching us. ugh. so today I just got that sick feeling in my stomach. I was on the outside looking in, but I got that feeling all over again for the lady behind me. It makes me wonder why they stay, why they let men treat them that way. I automatically think that if he is comfortable being liked that in public, he's probably so much worse at home. but I get it. I get why they stay, why its hard to leave.
When I was  done the cashier (who before this happened was emotionless) looked at me with a sort of "i'm with you" look said "you have a good day, really... have a good day" and smiled. It's like we both saw something that was so wrong... didn't agree, but knew we really couldn't do anything. 
When I got to my car I just kind of sat there for a while. That could so easily be me. Don't they say that you often marry what you are use to... disfunction becomes the norm and even abuse becomes a strange comfort when that is all you know? 
So I thanked God. Thanked Him for a husband that never raises his voice at me, who always treats me with so much respect and is tender and kind. I know that my husband is rare, but also rare that I am on the outside looking in. 
For a moment I thought, what if I just grabbed the lady and ran? took her home and let her live with me? I know. crazy thought. but at this moment I wish I could be some sort of superhero that rescues women and   could give them the ability to see their self worth and and show them an unconditional love, that doesn't hurt or disrespect but that shows gentleness  and care.
So tonight as I'm getting ready to go to sleep I have this lady on my mind. Praying the Lord shows her His love, and that she receives it.

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